No Wall Around My Heart

 

The sun cracks through the windows four days no sleep, body weary mind still racing. Can’t close my eyes horrible things taunt me; Things seen and done where have these thirty years gone.

Lost in anger, rage, self loathing and fear ripped from a soul happiness, love, humour, warmth and generosity cast aside, I don’t want to forget just peace of mind is that so much.

 

These demons strike when unprepared with family, friends, in shopping centres, car anywhere anytime they rip you apart struggling to regain control a battle lost. Violent reaction to a touch terror on the face you turn away in shame and fear. Not at what you have done but what you are becoming, compassionless, remorseless and devoid of emotion.

 

No peace, a mind at war. No tears cannot cry not possible who are you going to cry for, mates maybe. Dead, empty, no love, friends no closeness just there nothing more just there the words they speak like rain on a roof. Anger, rage, guilt, recrimination, sadness, self loathing, shame and fear.

 

Alone together she tells of her love and you feel nothing, empty words spill from your mouth but without meaning, feeling or passion; Lost forever it seems. There is no wall around my heart just nothing there for any to share. Anger, rage, guilt, recrimination, sadness self loathing, shame and fear.

 

Shutting down exhaustion taking control, sleep forced on you. They come to you speaking with no voice, no face mutilated and horrible, seeing them as they die watching the last dance of life taken one step at a time, your hands covered in blood. Friends smiles frozen into death, then the chase begins, running in your mind never getting away bullets hitting you smashing your body the pain real, intense, locked in cannot wake can hear all around me cannot move or speak still the nightmare with me.

 

Awake, how long two hours still shaking, sweating nausea to bathroom vomit over and over, sit and shake. Anything to help remove the images in your mind, anything, anything nothing works. Anger, rage, guilt, recrimination, sadness, self loathing, shame and fear, time to end it. No suicide not right, not honourable and my family, my only way of redeeming these thoughts. The sun rising again another PTSD dance has begun how long this time and so it goes.

Craig Hannan 2012.

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